WOW!!!! Just got off the phone.. or should I say wireless [ nod to Brits here] and my buddy Angus Mac Fong, the only Chinese guy in Belize who wears a kilt has had some very serious car problems… so I will have to make this quick as I go to help him out.. very weird tale of a blown tire from.. a pothole, or more like a gaping chasm pretending to be a pothole but.. anyway you get the picture…
So I ask him… Angus buddy what happened?
He says.. Paul.. dude, I am so ticked off.. I was minding my own business and going down the highway, I come upon a buggy with an orange triangle on it.. [what is that some sort of government identification program?? But I digress.. ] the buggy was going down the middle of the damn road . I start yelling.. MOVE ASIDE but the guy.. with a long white beard and dressed in overall.. just shrugs and waves a book at me.. “ a book say I, “ya a book, or it looked like a book so I thought maybe the guy was using a menintights GPS but no…””well” I say “what was it?’ Angus sighs and says” it was a freaking Bible”
‘No sh*t’ says I then he says…’that ya we man, yea aint heard the haif of it”
I’m intrigued as Angus rarely breaks into a brogue unless he is really agitated so I say.. “ wot happin”
Angus sighs again.. and says.. “wait till ye here dis…, I am driving , like I said and this buggy with the menintight guy was pulling a horse behind the wagon, I was confused because the horse also had a triangle over it’s butt.. anyway… The horse seemed to kind PUFF out and a class 5 hurricane wind breaks outta him ladee, it was like hurricane Katrina.. the damn horse had Diarrhea, with a baffle tied to it’s butt. The mess of oats and wheat and straw all wrapped together in a aqueous binder hits me windshield.. I canny see a ting… me automobile, I swerve right and what’s der.. a Fooking speed bump.. BANG me tyre blows to hell and I am standing there looking at the car ‘s windshield an stuck to the god awful mess is some empty Tang packages and some half digested property deeds.. so I am standing , stranded saying to meself.. wot da fook”
More to follow.. going to pick him up….
Wow part 2
So my interid friends.. I have rescued ANGUS a fate worse than being deed . Anyway, I therein lies the tale
I drive up and see no mennintights no buggy no horse no nothing but my dear friend Angus.. deep in his cups lamenting to a bus load of Taiwanese tourists how terrible his fate has taken him… Hoot man and all. Here’s Angus, little Taiwanese ladies.. holding his bottle of Johnny.. crying along with him.. spooning him from the bottle of Johnny Walker [ kept for emergencies such as this] telling him that his car be ok don’t cry scottie man all will be ok… which was kind of sweet and him saying “ oh ya dear sweet lassies, me hone mutter would be proud.. but wait till I see dat menintights.. have I got a ting to say to him HOOT!!! Man!!!‘
Now… this is okay in my book but the following was right out of the twilight zone… seesm they don’t have any music that they think a Scotsman would like.. so they are playing him Chritmas carols, in English and they have bro en out a tape and screen and doing Karaoke trying to cheers him up.. so here is 10 or so Taiwan guys.. sing “deck de halls with bows of hawry fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra , ra ra” and Angus is balling like a baby… with the sweet little old ladies.. ta ta ing him like a 350 pound baby in a kilt.. Jaysus!!! What a sight…
Anyway just then two menintights.. come up the road… like a gaggle of harpies.. 30 or more old Taiwanese ladies are hanging out the window yelling “reeve Angrus arone ” Angus sees this and starts pointing to his car saying…’ Look what ye beastie done t’me kerr and me tyre tis Flat HOOT MAN!!!’
Well… I’d seen enough.. I changed the tyre [ no help from Angus as his fellow Taiwanese Scotsmen were using baby wipes to clean off his windshield… ] and air freshener to kill the horse sh1t smell, kinda smelled like gardenia’s but I digress [ again] .
So I yell to Angus.. “Angus, ya foul mouthed son of Scotland by way of Taiwan… do you need a lift back to town or are you staying here with your friends ..
So he turns to me and says “never ye mind bucko.. me friends and me are goin te shipyard te find them menintights and kick thar harse in de ash [ slurring his words now]…. So I leave friend Angus.. Xmas carols.. wafting over the rolling hills of cayo.. car hitched to a bus.. and signing loudly as he can.. Scotland the brave…
So… how was you day?