more money

got a request for money today.. apparently the poor fellow had lost a loved one and could not afford the expense of the funeral.. and yes I politely asked him how he got the rum be was breathing all over me.. so I say to him “look I’ll give you 500 bucks” his eyes bugged and he sputtered.. pulled the bottle of over proof out and took a swig.. , he said 500??? I said “yes, but I want the body, I am doing some life drawing and need a sitter” he turned, swore and walked away…. so I yelled “600!!!!!” I had some money I was saving to buy new clothes from Fifth Collection Celine but I wanted to do some good.

I swear, I am being followed by this guy…. yesterday…I offered to buy the body of his dead relative for 500 bucks..
Well I am in town by the market.. I hear a commotion.. no not music being played at 500 decibels, like Gracies fine clothes and novelties does, near the Scotiabank, but a people commotion..
So I look down the street and here I see a guy pushing a pine box coffin with the lid off, and a body in the box .. lying flat up with a cigar in it’s mouth. wearing a TUX.. the lady beside me faints dead away…. I check to see if I have indeed got 8 bananas in my bag.. and look up again and it’s HIM and he’s got his buddies with him, and a mariachi band following playing “and when the saints go marchin’ in” .. I tell you I am standing there with my mouth wide open…. The guy is yelling.. [ slurring his words] hehth gwingo.. da body hes here”
well… I am thinking.. holy sheet 500 bucks…..
The dear lady at the stall whispers to me.. “don’t mind him he’s for ORANGE WALK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ”
Gawd.. I felt like it was a scene out of the exorcist, he stops in front of me with the casket on a dolly and says.. look.. , he proceeds to pull the head off, the cigar falls out, a little guy on a moped, makes a dive for it.. screaming COHIBA! and I stand there thinking.. OH sheett… time to be fast on my feet..
So I causally walk up and notice that it’s the store dummy from Gracies fine clothes and novelties , near the scotiabank,so I says… I thought I told you it had to be a women what possible use have… says I for a guy and frankly that is no lie. Well the little rhyming seems to have addled his over proof for he drinks down the whole bottle in one gulp, belches, says I think.. ‘mama sita’ bends over blows a force 5 fart and falls flat on his face..
The produce in the stalls behind him… shrivel like raisins in the sun, the stall owners start screaming…… and the band changes the tune to “deck the halls with boughs of holly” and I say to myslef.. time to go…
Grab My banana’s all 7 of them and GITt.. I am staying home for a few.. gessue.. what a day

Ok Ok, I know I shouldn’t have but I was out of bread… so I looked out the front and up and down the road.. didn’t see anything but a blind dog fornicating with a fire hydrant, or it looked like a fire hydrant.. anyway … so I figured.. what the hell.. I am going out.. and get me some sweet bread from the “of course not” bakery… good bread and friendly staff.. .
So I make my purchases and look out towards the bay and I hear a commotion.. it sounds like people praying and arguing all at the same time.. and it’s coming from down the road right by the Verdigris Horse Puck hotel
Well.. I just had to look…, I know, I know… but in the back of my mind I’m figuring I might see the mystery woman of corozal.. Lydia.. H’s friend, or imaginary friend.. I know not.. sooooo I look around the corner.. and here I see a BTL hydro truck parked and they look like they are going to install a telephone or hydro pole.. , you know the ones, they’re everywhere…. And the boss.. a guy in a fluorescent red helmet with a sticker of the side that said BAN GNU’s [ isn’t that a animal of some sort]is arguing with a guy in what looks like a black gown of some sort.. and the guy is in front of about 50 people all chanting hymns’ and humming ‘onward Christian soldiers” and a guy with a trumpet is doing a a beautiful rendition.. of “when the saints come marchin’ in”
The hydro guy is now yelling at the guy In the black gown , I hear him say “ I don’t give a flying.. %$%^# what you think.. this is not a cross. It’s a &^%$^ hydro pole and we will not install it in front of your future cathedral. NO way NO how……”
Well….. I see one of the followers, he obviously has a cold, and he is holding a ‘honk for gessus sign’ and about ten ladies.. are crying and screaming.. and speaking in tongues… wow.. that was interesting since I know a smattering of German, and one of the ladies distinctly asked me.. “where did I buy the fresh bread?” or something like that.. it might also have been “’did you want to buy somebody dead? “ .. regardless.. It all started to get entertaining as people started to come out with lawn chairs, and the pedal cycle ,snow cone guy showed up and about two dozen guys showed up on bikes and started selling wood carvings , that all said made in Thailand on the bottom.. but, nevertheless it was a fun time UNTIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
THE GUY started down the street… this time he’s holding a bust of Elvis with a blonde wig and right red lipstick…. He’s swaying to the music and I realize, He hasn’t seen me… BONUS !!!!… I duck through the Verdigris horse puck hotel patio… , and look back just as the hydro guy screams.. “you say praise the lord one more freaking time and I’m going to bury this pole UP your………” and I was out of earshot…
All and all a much better day.. I think I’m on a roll

Leave a Reply


Switch to our mobile site