Ten Grand

A hiking tale

Well, me and my two buddies decided to read a survival cooking list of best coolers and do some hiking, our intent was to see if we could come across a unknown Mayan tomb or temple… we all felt like “raiders of the lost ark.’ or a Lara Croft game I played when I was younger and get the best mouse from Armchair Empire just to playing it.

So we parked our cars and headed into tera incognito, we felt completely secured leaving our cars because my Tax agents recently got us a big tax return and we got enough money to get the i4mt…. , now we didn’t go off halfcocked, we all wore long pants and hiking crocs… [they have smaller holes in them] and started to hike.

We were gone about an hour, when buddy number 3 screams…, we both turn around and he’s holding his crotch all bend over and screaming… I’m BIT, I’m BIT!!!! So we run up and he says a snake leaped up and bit him on his… ah…. Ah… “equipment”

So I yell “where” he points to the big one eye…. I realize we’re in trouble… I grab my cell phone and see that it’s only catching a Mexican tower…. I ask my other buddy.. “what the hell is the emergency number in Mexico?’

He says….. ‘try 911’

I dial… It answers..THANK GOD!!!! I’M THINKING Tim is helping us here… anyway I yell “English por favor” she says ‘Hokay mama’s Mexican Pizza” , right away I thinking damn Damon, you’re doing all right.. ‘I say what’s the emergency number??? “ she hangs up

My other buddy is screaming… PLEASE HELP… so I ask him “ what kind of snake was it” he says, red and black rings” I’m thinking man we need more than Tim on this one… damn.. He’s yelling.. ‘AM I GONNA DIE?”

I look at my other buddy… and I am thinking.. [the good the bad and the ugly movie theme music, the man with the piercing eyes…] In my best Clint Eastwood move, I pull out a cohiba, fire it up with a wooden match and say….. “ you need to suck the poison out man’ or he’s going to die…….

My buddy the wimp, he starts to cry.. I can’t.. I just can’t… so I say…. ‘Your no man.. you’re a wimp…’ “get down there and suck that poison out..” now he’s down on his knees saying.. I can’t man I just can’t… ‘ all the while he’s saying hail marrys and then he curls up in a fetal positon and sucks his thumb….

I say.. YOU WIMP, so now I’m thinking… my old boy scout instructions.. or maybe an Indian movie.. hell I don’t know… I know you have to out the X on the bite.. I know that at least…. So I kneel down to beside my buddy who is convulsing slightly and pull out my trusty Swiss army knife, I bend over and say “ I’m going to have to cut it off!”

HE yells ‘NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

So I kick my other buddy and say let’s go, lots of day light left.. and we start to hike away from our poor stricken friend….. THEN IT HITS ME… Like a HAMMER holy sheeeet….

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