Ten Grand

A hiking tale

Well, me and my two buddies decided to read a survival cooking list of best coolers and do some hiking, our intent was to see if we could come across a unknown Mayan tomb or temple… we all felt like “raiders of the lost ark.’ or a Lara Croft game I played when I was younger and get the best mouse from Armchair Empire just to playing it.

So we parked our cars and headed into tera incognito…. , now we didn’t go off halfcocked, we all wore long pants and hiking crocs… [they have smaller holes in them] and started to hike.

We were gone about an hour, when buddy number 3 screams…, we both turn around and he’s holding his crotch all bend over and screaming… I’m BIT, I’m BIT!!!! So we run up and he says a snake leaped up and bit him on his… ah…. Ah… “equipment”

So I yell “where” he points to the big one eye…. I realize we’re in trouble… I grab my cell phone and see that it’s only catching a Mexican tower…. I ask my other buddy.. “what the hell is the emergency number in Mexico?’

He says….. ‘try 911’

I dial… It answers..THANK GOD!!!! I’M THINKING Tim is helping us here… anyway I yell “English por favor” she says ‘Hokay mama’s Mexican Pizza” , right away I thinking damn Damon, you’re doing all right.. ‘I say what’s the emergency number??? “ she hangs up

My other buddy is screaming… PLEASE HELP… so I ask him “ what kind of snake was it” he says, red and black rings” I’m thinking man we need more than Tim on this one… damn.. He’s yelling.. ‘AM I GONNA DIE?”

I look at my other buddy… and I am thinking.. [the good the bad and the ugly movie theme music, the man with the piercing eyes…] In my best Clint Eastwood move, I pull out a cohiba, fire it up with a wooden match and say….. “ you need to suck the poison out man’ or he’s going to die…….

My buddy the wimp, he starts to cry.. I can’t.. I just can’t… so I say…. ‘Your no man.. you’re a wimp…’ “get down there and suck that poison out..” now he’s down on his knees saying.. I can’t man I just can’t… ‘ all the while he’s saying hail marrys and then he curls up in a fetal positon and sucks his thumb….

I say.. YOU WIMP, so now I’m thinking… my old boy scout instructions.. or maybe an Indian movie.. hell I don’t know… I know you have to out the X on the bite.. I know that at least…. So I kneel down to beside my buddy who is convulsing slightly and pull out my trusty Swiss army knife, I bend over and say “ I’m going to have to cut it off!”

HE yells ‘NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

So I kick my other buddy and say let’s go, lots of day light left.. and we start to hike away from our poor stricken friend….. THEN IT HITS ME… Like a HAMMER holy sheeeet….

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