The place… the border of Belize and chetumal…
The situation.. following some British tourists , a couple, through the immigration customs border
The result… total and utter amazement
Well, I decided to go to Chetumal and get some itmes that aren’t readily available in my paradise, the entrance to heaven, the grand elephant, the mighty lion, the king of retirement heaven.. yes.. friends.. COROZAL my garden of Eden, on earth
However, I do need some stretch canvas.. so away went. Now, since I am as HM would say a perpetual tourist I need to pay $37,50 to leave heaven each and every time… now I don’t mind this but I will take ift up with the almighty someday as long as Tim isn’t whispering in his ear.
Anyway.. I am in the queue, in front of me, is a 40+ ish English couple.. Leaving Belize to visit Mexico.
They saunter up to the immigration/customs fellow, whose name was Manuel… and this is what happened.
Manuel “ passports please “
Englsig couple “ my good man, we are ENGLISH we are in colony and don’t need a passport my good man, now please call a car and have us picke dup at the other gate”
Manuel “ passport please
English couple “ I say, did you not U N D E R S T A N D us.. we are in colony now be a good fellow and call your man for a car.. now please”
Manuel “ Sir, you need to show your passport to leave Belize”
English Couple, the wife turns to her husband and says..’ dearie.. let me handle the good fellow’ “now Mr Mule, we are on holiday in colony don’t you know.. we are travelling about seeing the wonders that you ,and your fellow colonists have done in our absence.. we simply wish to take the air, in a foreign country.. MIXECCO and would simply like you to have our car brought around, now be a good fellow and hop to it. That’s a good man.”
Manuel [ I am still waiting for the explosion] Sir, if you don’t eish to show me your passport, simply leave the lins and I’ll take the next person [ THAT’S ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ya]
English couple ‘ I say, but you are a little renegade aren’t you, I will show you our passports, but do not think that people of quality will not be made aware of your intransience to a citizen of the UMPIRE.
[ over heard their private sotto vocce conversation.} Lovey the little blighter, has us gob smacked. We shan’t be going to Mexico without his grubby little hands pawing out credentials.. why this will be made quite a stir when I report it to the Times.. the nerve of the little blighter.. he can see we’re BRITISH ]
Now, on this I agree, because their teeth were so screwed up that it would take a team of dentists to undo 40 years of twisting and grime that had built p on their fangs.[ think of looking in the mouth of an old howler monkey]
NEXT!! To the fee collection.
Manuel ..’ $37.50 please , each ‘
English couple “ beg pardon my good fellow… did you say 37.50 I may have mistook it due to your ACCENT what my dear man would that be for?’
Manuel “ $37.50 please”
English couple [ to each other.. did the little fellow say 3750? What is that in real money lovely.. look it up] after a 5 minute lookup.. “ my good fellow, now see here.. we have calculated that, that is one pound.. do you have change for a fiver? “
Manuel ‘$37,50 please BELIZE
English couple “ why this nonsense has to stop, my good man, I did not come from the head of UMPIRE to be asked for some piddling amount in colony currency . I watched the Falkland’s war and have seen every Alistair Cook special and I refuse to be intimidated by your dockswaddling attitude my good man, now get your superiors here on this instant or I shall be forced to call the ambassador”
Manuel ‘$37.50 ‘
Much to my amazement the guy pulls out an old Barclay card and says” credit?”
Manuel looks and says “NO CREDIT, NO PEPSI ,JUST CASH $37.50 EACH”
Much to my amazement the woman opens up a bag, and proceeds to count out the entire amount in shillings… $75.00 in shillings!!!! All the time muttering.. BLIGHTERS
They finally pay and we all head.. all 100 us us in line behind them to the Mexican border……
Stay tuned.. you won’t believe it…………..
This is what happened next… I’d like to call it , in honor of HM
“take pity on a ditty”
Or’ Mr. Bean and wife visit a foreign country’
Well.. we shuffle off to the next station in Mexico… this is the one where they hand you a card to fill out at the NEXT station.. which is Mexico’s Immigration and customs…
I am now, right behind them again as being Canadian I am to polite to tell the to get the ‘ell out of the way… but such is life and I after all, am on Belize time , permanently so I don’t rattle easy.
The Englishman and his Mrs… approach the Mexican border official, who is patiently handing out the forms which one must fill out to get in to Mexico and retain the bottom part to get back out of Mexico.
Well it goes like this….
Englishman and wife “ Lovey.. let me handle this as I looked up a few words on the plane whilst on the journey, to colony….
‘BONUS DEEASS SEEN YOR DO you-o speak-o [ louder now, in fact very loud ] ENGLISH!
Offical ‘¿cómo ha dicho? senor’
Don’t quote me but I think he said what?
Englishman and wife.. I say.. my good man, we , the Mrs. and I are on grand tour.. We have come to give you a taste of British civilization.. .. now be a good chap and fetch the car.. ,watch this lovey, MOOchos GRAT-TI-US.
The Mexican official turns to the other and says ‘Creo que este hombre está loco, ,”
Which loosely translated means I think this man is crazy
Now… by this time a couple of enterprising young Mexicans are renting us lawn chairs and selling treats.. Popcorn and such as we decided.. what he ‘ell if we have to wait we might as well be entertained…
Englishman and wife Now see here, my good man… perhaps you are unaware of who we are… my second cousins in laws are once removed from the line of Tudor , as in ROYLAITY…. I am MR Gaylord Bumstead of Yorkshire and this is my darling Mrs.. Agatha Bumstead who is the past honorary royal chairperson of the Chelsea flower show… and glockenspiel revival. I car not for your attitude and shall be reporting you to the proper BRITISH authorities upon my return to colony, British Honduras and will simply not stand for rudeness.. now stop waving that silly missive in my face and step aside .’
Now…. Get this… who knew there was another Brit in the queue.. as it had now grown to 150 people.. all munching snacks and well it kinds looked like Wimbledon on the TV.. heads turned one way then the other.. if you catch my drift.. anyway we hear..
‘HOOT MAN!! I KAN-i stand it amore… ya bloody fooooollll canya see , as plaaayn as dee da farm hass to be filled OUUT. R ye daft .. ya stowit . FIL l HOWT de FARM. ‘
Hmmmm .. now this was certainly an unexpected turn of events… now a fellow traveler, was taking the time to speak to them in their own language.. I tell you,, brought a tear.. I mean mans’ humanity, I was thinking of Albert Schweitzer and Gandhi and.. hold on let me get a tissue… anyway we figured entertainment over… BUT wait… never put a good man down…
Gaylord says… pardon me my good man.. but we can’t seem to make hide nor hair of your brogue, can we lovey? While I suspect you mean well, we are having a civilized discussion with the Bonaparte allies here, and you should mind your business my good man… quite! Now back in the queue.. with you.. that’s a good chap.
Now I was closest and I overhear Gaylord say to the MRS. ‘Good lord dear, the cheek of that Scotsman , she says.. well, he was SCOTTISH cheeky bastard.. talking to his betters.. why if you weren’t here, I say. I may have sorted him out.. ‘
Now a miracle happens… a customs official says IN ENGLISH .. ‘Sir, if you don’t fill out the form.. you not getting in to Mexico compremde?’
They take the form.. , we take our lawn chairs and move en masse to the next station… handing your passport over after filling out the form…..
I pause here… and will let you know what happens next… gawd help us… but now the boys are bringing refreshments… marguerites, tequila… beer.. so we are ready for part two… we are now a hundred plus a bus load of Peruvian nuns …
Well my intrepid readers… I bring you again to the HM’S COINED , PHRASEOLOGY —–TAKE PITY ON THE DITTY’, which finds our two English travelers.. approaching the immigration clerk at the Mexican border… We travel in a not so transited road, with big properties at both sites, properties with many houses, farms and a port moody condos for sale in some cases. So as to put all this into perspective, I left off with the Peruvian nuns.. pull in on a bus…. Well the dear old girls filed off the bus, all wearing the traditional habits of nunnery and dutifully lined up at the VERY end of the line… now having grown by another 50 or more people…
I on the other hand am sitting quite comfortably in a lawn chair.. , little rusty but heh this is Mexico, along with about 40 other people all the while having a small Mexican boy hold card board over our heads to keep us outta the sun…. other Mexicans.. are selling trinkets and candy… little Mexican souvenirs , jumping beans, burritos et al, a mariachi band all dressed in cowboy finery has started singing with some wonderful guitar solo’s all the while taking requests like, Smoke on the water, to ,the sound of music… [ to which they answer si every time]a lovely little girl named Maria is reading palms.. and handing out 10% off coupons for Burger king, a crowd of about 30 Mexican guys is working the crowd asking in Spanish if anybody needed a taxi to Cancun and although not the right season a small group all dressed in period costume are doing the full nativity scene, with an actual baby as baby Jesus, except that the pullover on the diaper had the big horse on the rear from Ralph Laruen.. got to tell you it gave me pause..
Now…seeing all this the nuns.. I think are asking what’s going on… and then they see the Nativity seen and all fall to their knees, bring out the rosaries and start praying in three part harmony in Spanish… and I am thinking… what’s next as I settle my butt comfortably for the next round…..
Our British couple Gaylord and Agatha take a look at the forms.. and immediately realize they are in Spanish… , for some reason they didn’t look under the Spanish and see the English [ I guess] but they walk into the building with form in hand… and promptly realize, not only do they not read it but they HORRORS do not have a biro [ old English for ballpoint pen].. so.. we hear
Gaylord “ I say .. gar-con.. opps sorry.. that was frenchie… I say SEEN-YOR do you have a Biro old chap.. and bye the by old chap, might you have a spot of tea whilst you fill out these forms for us.. I do say.. awkward that you don’t seem to have them in ENGLISH my good man..so chop chop.. please we need to arrive at your Walmart before the rush.. .. can’t have the riff raff causing a spot of trouble now can we”
Spanish Immigration clerk’ ¿Heh Christina son los dos idiotas inglés que me llamó???’
[ Heh Christina are these the two English idiots you called me about?]
Gaylord “ ‘my good man.. do you not speak [loudly] ENGLISH!!!.. wot I need you to do old chap is fill out these blasted forms and brings the car around like a good fellow…
Agatha at this point I suppose for dramatic effect.. looks at Gaylord and says… ‘Gaylord , dear.. [pressing the back of her hand to her forehead] says.. squidgy, I’M FEELING A LITTLE FAINT”’
NOW.. this elicited a dramatic sigh from the crowd.. one woman.. got out a box of Kleenex. that had a picture of Christmas ornaments on it and started passing around the tissue.. even the little Mexican kid said..’ mucho’s dios’ and crossed himself……. and a Texan leaned over and stage whispered.. “who farted’ .. but anyway
Gaylord, grabs the forms and makes them into a fan and quickly starts fanning Agatha…. Screaming “get me a flipping Doctor.. can’t you see my wife has fallen ill, you barbarian.. papist Spaniards.. BY god I’ll have the ambassador here if you don’t call an ambulance, you sods!”
Mexican immigration clerk “Creo que ella se tiró un pedo” [I think she farted]
The nuns seeing this start crying.. ‘madre de Dios bendiga a esta mujer’ [mother of god bless this woman]
Just then a little kid in the crowd cry’s out in Spanish… LOOK THE IMAGE OF THE VIRGIN IS IN THE WINDOW!!! I SEE THE VIRGIN” well .. it was like a red light sale at the Kmart……. People pushing an shoving screaming crying… , hell people even moved their chairs into the wheelchair parking spot.. .. one guy for Arkansas. Was laying on the ground speaking in tongues I think.. or he was speaking Taiwanese with a Midwest accent.. can’t be sure… next I hear sirens.. and the policia are there with m16’s drawn thinking there was a riot… the Mexican immigration clerk is in front of the window.. open mouthed watching the janitor… Pedro, I think was his name on his uniform… ,standing there with a bottle of Windex and a roll of paper towel…… I was knocked out of my chair… same as the person next to me.. who was a senior… the poor woman’s top plate flew out of her mouth and the false teeth landed at Gaylord’s feet…
He picks them up and says “yours Lovey??” she then slaps him so hard his glasses fly off hit the Mexican clerk in the head.. , he pulls his gun and fires two shots into the ceiling.. screaming ‘el gringo me atacó detención le’[ the gringo attacked me arrest him]
The guards come in.. throw Gaylord into a paddy wagon… and put Agatha.. with handcuffs, laying over the back of a Harley, like she was a sack of potatoes… and the Harley has a [por favor vote por manuel] sticker on the gas tank.. Agatha is screaming ‘GAYYYYLLOORDDDD!!!!’…………
Well… I pulled out my form…passport in hand and the next clerk said
Próxima? Yes.. I was next…. Thank GOD!